I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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