Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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