Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
a search helicopter?!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
