He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
