I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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