forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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