Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think a kid would responsible me up
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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