you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
