Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
