I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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