The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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