I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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