The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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