He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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