paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
