all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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