TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
