Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
