Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You smell like stripper and shame
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
