What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
