If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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