it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
