I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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