VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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