I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
