my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
