Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
