Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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