One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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