I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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