walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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