The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
