also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
