he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
