You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
