Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
