Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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