I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
