we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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