put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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