Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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