And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Less talking, more tequila
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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