i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
