we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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