I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
