had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
