if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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