So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it's like iHOP with fire
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
