I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
