Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
